Noir

I hate this feeling.

This feeling that half the time it is bliss

Full of life and light 

And I

Am fully invested

In this optimistic foundation of my future

While half the time I feel stupid

I've done it again

Fallen in love with my own needs and delusions 

Again

Just another inadvertent con from another well intentioned man

Inside I am torn

Between these moments of seeing myself cast beautifully 

As bride to be

And foreseeing the ugly aftermath of empty nights thinking none of this was what it seemed

But when I try to apply some enlightened lesson of non-attachment

I find myself too loose and absent

Lost in notions of eternal oceans

Thinking:

Time 

Will tell

Time

Will work it out and remove these veils of fear and confusion

This knot in my chest

This elephant in the room

But I

Am too conscious of time

Finite precious irretrievable time

Unforgiving of my quandaries and pauses

Wrong turns trysts and tears

And at this 

Time

As I meditate on the mathematical impossibility that is 

One plus one

And all the things that it really may equal

I wonder how anyone can ever be sure of their answers

Even if they show their work

And how I will respond 

To these calls for timely resolution