(mostly) Hidden Things

The realization that closing a door
can be an intricate process
(especially given my need to
double
15
go back and do it
again
check).

The knowledge that once
you can tear yourself away from
the checking and the door
you will be free.

The Liberation cleansing ritual I invented just now in a bathroom mirror under 2 out of 3 working lights
that involves in part
using your own fresh tears as warpaint
and praying to oneself.

The scars I have given myself over the years
are mostly hidden by laughter
some necessitate long skirts
and anecdotes of ninja attacks
but I assure you
the truth is not dinner convo
only rare and selective coffee talk
and then still with mostly averted eyes.

I mostly hide
the fact that if I wake up for any reason
between the hours of 4 and 8 a.m.
there is a good chance I will be struck by the jolting and nauseating panic of being equally afraid of living and dying
and the certainty that both
will kill me.
And I wish that someone would comfort me back to sleep
because it's exhausting.

I wish I had known I was beautiful
sooner.

Mostly hidden
is the moment you know
your path is changing
and even if you feel the electricity i8n the air
the moment of the shift
still strikes like out of season lightning
and you're filled with white light knowing
and the smell of your best laid plans ablaze.