Last year a friend commissioned me to write a series of poems about her son Michael. He was a troubled young adult whose life kept going from bad to worse, and since the request, he has gone missing and is presumed dead. I publish these now as a tribute to Michael, and an homage to the strength of his mother, JK.
Dear Michael
You’re in another city
But your body’s still here
Somewhere under this same painted sky
You are using these clouds as a canopy
Uniformed demons with nightsticks and sneers
Chasing you away from sleep.
I press my eyes and try but can’t
Imagine the kaleidoscope flashes that set your waking dreams ablaze
Nor can I fathom the jagged shadows that crash in on you
And maybe that’s for the best.
I am sure that the summer rain
Loses its sugar glaze when it’s all you have and the concrete
Is threatening to swallow you alive
If not whole.
You said the sun has a cold side
And that people are made of that same stone
And I heard the chaos behind you
Voices laughing yelling the scuffle
Of aimless jaded youth
The crackle of a damaged payphone
And I wondered what became
Of the elephant you mentioned last time
The one you ride to get away from it all
But so many things change too quickly these days.
When you float
Through the masses
Scared and unsure where and when you are
Remember I will always take your calls
Collect distraught and late night
Sobbing or laughing’
That dark cackle that is new to you
Both turn my stomach now but I
Would rather hear you
Than wonder in the silence
If you can still speak.
My Heart
From the time
You
Were small
I
Was by your side
For your scrapes
And successes
Sweet dreams
And screaming nights
And all I ever wanted
Was to bask in you
And guard against anything
That could tarnish your glow
Then you got older
And
I saw how you were affected
The demons of your short past
And the tricks of your brilliant mind
Haunting you into scarier places
And I
Wanted only to keep you safe
And home
Healthy
And now
I pray
My every breath is a prayer
That when my eyes are not on you
Some grace may still protect you
And
That when I do see you
Briefly
Do hold your hand
(You have grown so thin now)
My prayer is that you smile
Feel my heart
Know my name
And so
I write to say
That even when you feel
That there is no one
And nothing
Outside of your darkness
Know that I am near
And watching
And doing all
That I can do
To ease your various torments
And that as long as both our hearts
Are beating
I will give my whole self over
To the cause of your salvation
And once your heart slips
Off its rhythm
And into eternity
I will pray for your wings
Spectre
A moment ago ---
A couple of ragged breaths
A few pained heartbeats
The passing of a stranger ---
Ago
My hand was on your cheek
Your eyes flickering with recognition and memories of me
You smiled
Turned
A spectre in the rush hour subway station
Overloaded with bags and troubles
Suddenly another in a sea of private storms
I watched you
For a whole slow moment
Stealthy among the strangers
And then you were gone
The Heartbreak of a Hero
Our Hero met his Heroine
In a moment dark as night
He’d always claim he wasn’t looking
What he found was lust at first sight
Her hips were loaded
Their stare was locked
She worked her charms before his eyes
Her lips were wet
Her grin was wide
Her power grew as he drank up her lies
Our Hero brought her flowers
He offered up his soul
He chased for days and hours
He needed her to feel whole
Miss H was his beloved
But she was just bemused
Still our desperate hapless Hero here
Couldn’t see he was being used
And as this Heroine had done
So many ugly times before
She abused him and ruined him and then locked the door
On his hopes, on his dreams, on his strength to wish for more
For this Miss H, you see, love is never the goal
She’ll suck you dry and leave you out in the cold
And when our Hero
Sweet sad man that he is
Had filled her needs and served her whims
She vanished into the tangled branch memories of faded dreams
And he stood
Naked cold and alone
Stripped of all that he’d ever called home
Family, friends, faith and future
He’d forsaken all he had to give
And though still breathing
So not dead yet
He lacked the spirit to live
In the overcast twilight of this in between
Our Hero saw that Miss H had not been what she ’d seemed
And though his heart ached from her absence
His loss
He took time to reflect on all he’d been taught
And the idea that tomorrow may yet be better than today
Was the simple hard earned lesson he managed to take away
And in the shifting rainbow colours
Of dawn’s first muted light
Our Hero finally believed
That his day could yet be bright
