Thursday, May 08, 2008

Noir

I hate this feeling.

This feeling that half the time it is bliss
Full of life and light 
And I
Am fully invested
In this optimistic foundation of my future

While half the time I feel stupid
I've done it again
Fallen in love with my own needs and delusions 
Again
Just another inadvertent con from another well intentioned man

Inside I am torn
Between these moments of seeing myself cast beautifully 
As bride to be
And foreseeing the ugly aftermath of empty nights thinking none of this was what it seemed
But when I try to apply some enlightened lesson of non-attachment
I find myself too loose and absent
Lost in notions of eternal oceans
Thinking:

Time 
Will tell
Time
Will work it out and remove these veils of fear and confusion
This knot in my chest
This elephant in the room

But I
Am too conscious of time
Finite precious irretrievable time
Unforgiving of my quandaries and pauses
Wrong turns trysts and tears
And at this 
Time
As I meditate on the mathematical impossibility that is 
One plus one
And all the things that it really may equal
I wonder how anyone can ever be sure of their answers
Even if they show their work
And how I will respond 
To these calls for timely resolution



  

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